I'm not sure anyone reads this but I'm posting anyway. It's a good way of keeping track of milestones.
My Brother died at the end of February. I was there the day before, but I'm not sure how much he actually knew while I was there. I believe there was one brief moment when he saw me. Perhaps in his twilight he knew I was there.
I came home, heavy hearted, and found the youngest of our cats died while we were away.
I lost it a bit and had a hard time finding the way out. I was mad, like all the time mad. The guy I'm working with is a great listener and he knows how to challenge me. I found my out, and discovered a way of dealing with all sorts of crap I'd been putting off addressing for the past decade or so.
I'm now in a size 38 pant. I still have my 44's on hand, and even wear them once in a while to remind myself not to give in and down a box or two of Ding-Dong's or Cherry Cheese danishes. I'm more than likely down 100 pounds in two years. I don't know for sure as I refuse to own a scale. I need another few pant sizes to go down before I completely celebrate, but I've learned to relish in the short term goals instead of just dismissing them out-of-hand.
I've had a lot of loss, but it helped me gain much, much more. I'm very fortunate, and happy overall.
But isn;t that how the hero is supposed to turn out in the best stories? :D
Who or what do you really love?
Love is such a bad word. The greeks had it right when they separated love into different types, but we're bundled it all up into one, all encompassing word. Fine, here's what I love:
- Culvers Frozen Custard. Eggnog when it's available, Chocolate Malt made with Chocolate Custard, Chocolate Sauce and extra Malt.
- My wife. Romantically, physically, emotionally: She's still my girl no matter. Aggrivating, but loved. :D
- My friends IRL and online. Telepresence is still presence. A phone call is a hug is a kiss is a friend.
- The world. We're killing each other like the barbarians we are in our genes, yet trying to find ways to help each other too. We're bipolar, but we keep getting better. There is hope in the mess somewhere, like how a messy room gets messier right before it starts to return to order. Granted, THIS mess is a fire hazard and we need to get it cleaned fast.
- My cats. These balls of fluff and purr show me that animals, "devoid of emotion" to the experts, can love as fiercely as biological children. It also shows me that experts are more full of crap than a Christmas Goose.
I'm so full of love I could continue until the cows come home (5:45pm according to itinerary I was emailed), but I'll leave it at cats.
Ever have one of those days for a few months?
My guild in WoW made me leader. I'm responsible for the happiness of 55+ people. No pressure, right? So when I'm accused of misconduct and someone leaves, I shouldn't take it as a personal attack... At least that's what I'm told.
My parents died, and now the elder statesman of the family is falling to the big C too. 5 months... maybe... The Rock Star like figure with the sharpest wit I worshipped now doesn't remember what day it is... or names...
I know I've "made it" and I don't really have to worry about a crutch in case things go bad for me. I'm self sufficient, motivated and able. I'm also scared shitless as my means of emergency-emergency support are systematically taken away. Does the keystone in an arc worry that if it fails, it'll let the other stones down?
Then my nephew gets his face smashed in and his spleen ruptured from a t-boned car accident.
Hello, God? Cut it out. Thanks.
